The Next Step

She's home. 

We've cried. We've laughed. We've eaten all of her favorite foods. I've bought her pretty much everything she's asked for and am not ashamed. 

Life looks normal from the outside. 

But it's not. 

Last night she slept on the couch until her sister got home. Then she crawled into bed with me and she's already asked if she could sleep with me tonight. She hasn't crawled into bed with me in over 6 years. 

This morning, I dropped her off at the IOP facility, instead of her high school. 

When she didn't reply to my text messages after school, it was all I could do not to pack my belongings and run out of statistics class. 

I told friends that I wanted to be a leach parent instead of a hovercraft parent. I want to latch on and never let go. But that is not what's best. I must walk this road with her, but I must allow her as much or as little autonomy as she wants/needs. Just like when she was little, climbing anything and everything. I couldn't keep her from climbing, so I just stood beside her and waited for her to hold out her hand and ask for help. 

When people have asked me how she is, I haven't really known how to reply. 'She's fine' is the answer that I think people want to hear, but the truth is, she's not. We have a handful of diagnoses and prescriptions that tell me that she's not fine and that we have a long road ahead of us. 

The IOP facility sent home a paper that resembles the forms sent home with preschoolers. The ones that say 'Your kid did _______ today". It seems appropriate, because recovery requires baby steps. There will be good days and bad. There will be tears and laughter. There will be times that she asks for things that I won't be ready to give. There will be learning. There will be growth. There will be healing. 

Over the last 10 days, a lot of people have reached out and recounted their own struggles with depression. Their stories have broken my heart, because very few had the support of the people around them. While I can't fix the past, I know that all of our stories together can help change the future. Together we can stop the stigma. Together we can change how we address mental illness.