<I literally never stopped crying while writing this. If it comes off as rude, I'm sorry. If it comes off as whiny, I'm sorry. If it comes off in any negative way, I'm sorry. Blogging is therapeutic for me. I enjoy writing. If there are typos, or grammar problems, please ignore them. It's hard to remember commas when you are a wreck.>
The last two days have been rough.
Like cry every 3 minutes rough. I joked about having myself admitted right along with her, but I'm not suicidal, I just can't stop crying.
I wish I weren't a crier. I wish I could keep everything bottled up, like a wine bottle with the cork tightly in place. Unfortunately, this bottle is open, the cork has been lost and I never seem to reach the end of the liquid, which would be fine, if it were actually wine and not some metaphor for the liquid that is streaming down my face and the snot that is making it difficult to breathe.
If you know me well, you know that I get angry when I cry. So imagine how I'm feeling about losing the damn cork. I. Need. This. To. Stop.
I can do all of the positive self-talk that my counselor has taught me. This will all be okay. Take one step at a time. You are doing the right thing. This isn't your fault. Breatheeeeeeeeee.
And still, the tears fall.
I can even try to logic myself into a state of peace:
LouLou (her nickname since early head-start) will be fine. They will adjust her medicine, she will move back over to Intensive Outpatient and come home at night. I will watch her like a hawk, to the point of annoying her. We will get her caught up in school, even if it means homeschooling. We will get past this.
And still I cry.
I cry for medical diagnoses for both her and her sister. Diagnoses that are genetic. Diagnoses that are life altering and barely manageable.
I will try to keep myself distracted today. Clean a little house, overcome my SPSS brainblock, convince people that their life will be better with Younique products in it (I mean, it's awesome makeup and a way you can help me buy groceries!), and I will use panda pop as a way to distract myself. But I imagine, I will still cry. And that's ok.
I've had a lot of people ask what they can do for LouLou and for us. Um... I have no answer. She wants coloring books and waterproof crayons, these ninja turtle leggings from wal-mart, and fuzzy socks. But I can get all of those things for her. She can't really have visitors and she still hasn't read all of the cards from her first visit to UBH, because she said "Idk why I'm so sad when I'm clearly loved!"
As for us... Jasen, Megan & I. I don't really know how to answer that. I'd like some stoppers for my tears ducts... do they make those? We could always use food or money. I mean, let's face it, all of these medical expenses are starting to pile up and you all know I'm not cooking, if I can't even remember to eat. (I've had 3 meals in 3 days!) And if you realllyyyy want to help, you can come clean my house or mop my floor... anyone? anyone? Dangit! :) But mostly, just the support and love that has been expressed through texts and messages, has been great. We will all get through this, one step at a time.
I will ask that you not use this time to try to sell me things that helped your uncle's cousin's sister. I don't need oils, and I have plexus and no, it doesn't help my fibro. Also, if you need to talk to me, text me. I will text back. I won't answer the phone, but I will text back.
But finally, and most importantly, please don't judge. I know plenty about the lives of those around me and I know that we all cope differently. Some eat, some drink, some smoke, some shop, some pray... and at one time or another, in my life, I've coped in those ways.
But today, I cry.
No comments:
Post a Comment