Old dog learning new tricks...

A couple of years ago I lost a big portion of my hair due to pancreatitis, malabsorption, and rapid weight loss. When it grew back, IT GREW IN CURLY. I've repeatedly joked with my hair dresser Jess that I am simply too old to have to relearn how to fix my hair. Because let me tell you, learning what to do with this curly mess on my head has taken a lot of learning and most days it still ends up in a ponytail.

I decided tonight that much like relearning to fix my hair, I am going to have to be purposeful in how I learn to love this new body of mine. I had no real issues with self-love when I weighed 300 pounds. I was confident, funny, wore what I wanted, and didn't really care what others thought of my body. I said things like "thick thighs save lives" (whatever that means) and I reveled in my thickness. And then I got sick. Really, really sick. And all of my doctors assured me that the way to feel better was to lose weight. So naturally, I did what a good portion of obese people in the United States are doing... I had a portion of my stomach removed and my insides rearranged, so that I could lose the weight that my doctors assured me was killing me.

And I lost. I lost ALL of the weight--plus some. I lost so much weight that my bariatric surgeon had to go back in and reverse a portion of my original weight loss surgery. I am now thinner than I was in middle school, and even though 'thin is in' and 'nothing tastes as good as skinny feels,' I spend a lot of days trapped in my mind and loathing my body. 

Part of this loathing comes from the fact that losing the weight didn't actually cause my body to miraculously heal itself from that which ailed me, but the other part of it is that in my brain curves and thickness are beautiful. And I am neither curvy, nor thick. You can do the math from there. Additionally, skinny kinda hurts in that there is no padding between my bones and whatever surface I'm sitting on. I also struggle with maintaining my body temps, so swimming has happened exactly once this summer. When I've posted that I am swimming, what I've really meant is that I've sat on the edge of the pool begging people not to splash me. And don't even get me started on how many calories I have to consume just to maintain skinny. I've long struggled with 'forgetting to eat,' but now when I do it I get called things like 'anorexic' whereas before people said 'well you can afford to skip a few meals.' (Yes, people really said that.) I cannot afford to forget to eat any longer and its kindof annoying. 

With that said, to aid in this mental shift that I am attempting, there has been much therapy, but I also did a photo shoot for a friend who was building her portfolio. And y'all she made me look damn sexy. (Am I allowed to say that about myself?) Some of the pictures show the flaws that I am insecure about (like my saggy butt), but even those are still beautiful. Jessica did a fabulous job of showing me what other people see. (If you want her contact information let me know.) And for some reason, that has helped me see myself in a different light. I still long for my curves, and my padding, but I am starting to feel a little more confident in the skin I'm in. I am learning, or relearning, to love my body. But it will take time, just like learning to love my curves took time. 

I wrote this poem a little while ago--I'm not actually a poet--I just threw some words on the paper and I'm calling it poetry. It needs some finessing, but it shows what my brain process has been like these last few months as I've watched the body that I knew and loved slip away only to be replaced by bony edges. 

Curves Not Edges

Real women have curves…

Curves are sexier than skeletons… 

Thick thighs save lives…

Bones are for the dog; meat is for the man…

Thick girls are made for cuddling… 

Curves are beautiful… 

When life throws you curves, embrace them…

The thicker the thighs the sweeter the prize…

Curves not edges. 

Eat a sandwich… 

Do you ever eat anything…

You’d look so much better if you put meat on your bones…

I can see your bones…

Men like girls with a little meat on them…

I wish I had your problem…

Men love having something to hang onto…

Edges not curves.

Nothing tastes as good as curvy feels. 

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

Which is it? Can it be both?

Curves and edges. 

Edges not curves

I grew up in a family of curvy women. And while my mom & grandma were never not on a diet of some sort, I learned that curves were to be celebrated. 

In high school & beyond I dated men that celebrated curves, much like society still does. ‘Dat ass tho’... something I hear frequently from the men around me. A celebration of curves. ‘Damn, she has a nice rack’... another celebration of curves. ‘Thick thighs save lives’...another celebration of curves. 

I no longer have curves. I have edges where my bones stick out. If you rub your fingers along my back you can count my ribs & each vertebra. Edges not curves.

I look angry all the time, because my edges can be seen in my face. Faces need curves to look happy to the general public. Edges not curves. 

My once voluptuous breasts fit nicely in a tank with a shelf bra. There may be an A cup of tissue left. When his hands grasp them his fingers can feel the edges behind my breasts. When I lay flat, my ribs and sternum stick up higher than my breasts as they become virtually nonexistent. Edges not curves. 

My once thick thighs no longer touch. Even when I flex, they do not touch. I will save no ones life with my thighs. Edges not curves. 

My ass is deflated. In its place are edges that shouldn’t be seen. My sacrum, my hip bones, my pelvis—edges that can be seen when I stand in front of the mirror after showering. Edges not curves. 

My husband doesn’t know this body, as he’s afraid he might break me when he grabs hold. He prefers curves and not edges. 

I do not know this body in which I reside. I do not like my edges. I miss my curves. 

Edges not curves. 

As my friend Dr. Laura  Ellingston reminded me this week, we should practice self-care, and kindness, even when failing. (Read her blog here: https://realisticallyeverafter.blog/2018/06/26/failing-better/ )

I’m currently really, really trying to be kind to myself and blogs like above and images like below help. 

Many of you know my struggles with being unable to stop my weight loss. While 

the topic is gtongue in cheek funny, and lots of 

people have said they wish they had my problem, what I know is that they really, really don’t want the problems I’ve had. For reference, I am almost 5’6”. At my prime, when I was healthy, full of muscle, with an 18 year old’s metabolism, I was 145, and a size 6-8. At my lowest weight, when I got home from my revision surgery, I weighed 113.3–At almost 5’6,” after having two children, after months of physical therapy to regain muscle, and strength, and at the age of 42, I weigh less than I did in late elementary school. 

The reality is that even though my BMI was fine, I had spent months being malnourished because of malabsorption. I was by medical definition wasting away, and the Internist who saw me in the hospital had a lot of words for me. I’ve lost muscle mass & tone, even in the midst of physical therapy, my skin was off colored, my eyes sunken, with bones protruding in ways that are comparable to cancer patients. But a lesser known issue with malnourishment for a long period of time is how it affects your brain.  

Our brains need fat, protein, carbs, and vitamins to work. All of the things I’ve been excessively malabsorbing for months. And let’s be honest here, my brain and I already struggle with getting along, because of the whole ADHD thing. But for months, and months, my brain has been starving, and it’s affected my brain functioning in ways I am only beginning to realize. 

According to these guys, (https://www.omicsonline.org/open-access/protein-malnutrition-and-brain-development-2168-975X-1000171.php?aid=55936) malnourishment can cause multiple brain function issues, and as I read through the symptoms I have realized that these symptoms were 100% affecting my abilities to be a wife, a mother, a friend, a teacher, but more importantly a grad student. 

As I read, I had tears streaming, because I just realized that maybe now I can actually finish school, because for the last 6 months I’ve daily thought I wasn’t smart enough to do this. I’ve beat myself up over missed deadlines, forgotten appointments, an inability to even read a journal article and annotate, but none of this is my fault & I need to be kind. 

I am absorbing more food since my revision surgery. I am not vomiting or running to the bathroom. I am holding onto food longer. But more importantly, over the last couple of days I feel like I’ve woken up from some type of brain fog that I didn’t know I was in. I can think again. I can read words, and understand them again. 

So if you’ve watched my journey & have thought ‘she’s just making excuses—get your shit done,’ or even said it to my face, just know that I’ve seen you and I hear you, and my ability to think is back, so you may want to steer clear from me for but, lest you get a tongue lashing. 

If you’ve watched and been supportive. I see you too, and I can never express my gratitude enough. 

I have edits to complete, grading to do, and a prospectus to write, and in the first time in at least 6 months I am positive that I can get this done before my advisor goes on sabbatical for the fall. 

I guess what I want to leave you with today, is to remind yourself that in the midst of chronic illness you must be kind to yourself. The opposite accomplished nothing. 

I feel like I start a lot of my blogs with "oh it's been a while," as if I don't write daily about our lives, but this blog does often get pushed to the back burner as it requires more thought and more words. I have many things I would like to sit down and focus on, but my distracted brain and lack of time management is going to be the death of me. I thought maybe if I made a todo list of some sort I could have my friends help me to stay accountable, so here goes:

1. Edits. Due next week, so I really should get that done.

but while I'm procrastinating those,

2. ICQI reflection specifically regarding how even in academic conferences where WE SHOULD KNOW BETTER ableism runs rampant.
3. Journal article with Erin about invisible illnesses.
4. Journal article with Cody about enactments of medications on our bodies.
5. More blogging, reading, etc., and less facebooking.

Things I'm processing:
1. Introversion vs extroversion in relationships?
2. What does disabled mean when you are medically disabled, but not legally disabled?
3. How much do I hovercraft parent and how much do I push for independence?

Sigh. Lunch. Meeting with a student. And then EDITSSSSSSSSSSSSS.