Thursday, September 8, 2016

World Suicide Prevention Day

With each year, my memories of him fade. He was only my dad for a tiny bit, before his mental illness enveloped him and he killed himself, so the lack of memories is understandable, although guilt provoking. 

I remember crawling into his lap in the recliner. I remember riding in the back of his truck. I especially remember getting my arse spanked after I 'decorated' the new, plywood seat that he built in the back of truck, so we weren't rolling around in the truck bed, with a crayon I had in my pocket. I remember the kindness in his eyes. I remember laughter and love. 

But, I also remember the weekend he sent my brother and I to our grandparents for the weekend and that by Sunday afternoon we were living next door at my aunt's house, because he had shot himself in the living room of our house and the carpet had to be replaced. 

It was only as I grew older that I learned that just the week before my mom had tried to get him mental health help at the local hospital, only to be turned away. And I learned that he left my adopted mom a card apologizing and telling her that she was strong enough to raise us without him. 

As I've aged, I vacillated from anger that my adopted dad didn't love me enough to stick around and immense sadness that he missed so much by that decision. But most of all, I'm heartbroken that he was so desperate and mentally ill that he REALLY believed that we'd be better off without him. 

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. If you are struggling, tell someone. If you REALLY think the world would be better off without you, ask you children, your mom, your best friend, etc. for help. Suicide is never the answer.