As my friend Dr. Laura  Ellingston reminded me this week, we should practice self-care, and kindness, even when failing. (Read her blog here: https://realisticallyeverafter.blog/2018/06/26/failing-better/ )

I’m currently really, really trying to be kind to myself and blogs like above and images like below help. 

Many of you know my struggles with being unable to stop my weight loss. While 

the topic is gtongue in cheek funny, and lots of 

people have said they wish they had my problem, what I know is that they really, really don’t want the problems I’ve had. For reference, I am almost 5’6”. At my prime, when I was healthy, full of muscle, with an 18 year old’s metabolism, I was 145, and a size 6-8. At my lowest weight, when I got home from my revision surgery, I weighed 113.3–At almost 5’6,” after having two children, after months of physical therapy to regain muscle, and strength, and at the age of 42, I weigh less than I did in late elementary school. 

The reality is that even though my BMI was fine, I had spent months being malnourished because of malabsorption. I was by medical definition wasting away, and the Internist who saw me in the hospital had a lot of words for me. I’ve lost muscle mass & tone, even in the midst of physical therapy, my skin was off colored, my eyes sunken, with bones protruding in ways that are comparable to cancer patients. But a lesser known issue with malnourishment for a long period of time is how it affects your brain.  

Our brains need fat, protein, carbs, and vitamins to work. All of the things I’ve been excessively malabsorbing for months. And let’s be honest here, my brain and I already struggle with getting along, because of the whole ADHD thing. But for months, and months, my brain has been starving, and it’s affected my brain functioning in ways I am only beginning to realize. 

According to these guys, (https://www.omicsonline.org/open-access/protein-malnutrition-and-brain-development-2168-975X-1000171.php?aid=55936) malnourishment can cause multiple brain function issues, and as I read through the symptoms I have realized that these symptoms were 100% affecting my abilities to be a wife, a mother, a friend, a teacher, but more importantly a grad student. 

As I read, I had tears streaming, because I just realized that maybe now I can actually finish school, because for the last 6 months I’ve daily thought I wasn’t smart enough to do this. I’ve beat myself up over missed deadlines, forgotten appointments, an inability to even read a journal article and annotate, but none of this is my fault & I need to be kind. 

I am absorbing more food since my revision surgery. I am not vomiting or running to the bathroom. I am holding onto food longer. But more importantly, over the last couple of days I feel like I’ve woken up from some type of brain fog that I didn’t know I was in. I can think again. I can read words, and understand them again. 

So if you’ve watched my journey & have thought ‘she’s just making excuses—get your shit done,’ or even said it to my face, just know that I’ve seen you and I hear you, and my ability to think is back, so you may want to steer clear from me for but, lest you get a tongue lashing. 

If you’ve watched and been supportive. I see you too, and I can never express my gratitude enough. 

I have edits to complete, grading to do, and a prospectus to write, and in the first time in at least 6 months I am positive that I can get this done before my advisor goes on sabbatical for the fall. 

I guess what I want to leave you with today, is to remind yourself that in the midst of chronic illness you must be kind to yourself. The opposite accomplished nothing.