I decided tonight that much like relearning to fix my hair, I am going to have to be purposeful in how I learn to love this new body of mine. I had no real issues with self-love when I weighed 300 pounds. I was confident, funny, wore what I wanted, and didn't really care what others thought of my body. I said things like "thick thighs save lives" (whatever that means) and I reveled in my thickness. And then I got sick. Really, really sick. And all of my doctors assured me that the way to feel better was to lose weight. So naturally, I did what a good portion of obese people in the United States are doing... I had a portion of my stomach removed and my insides rearranged, so that I could lose the weight that my doctors assured me was killing me.
And I lost. I lost ALL of the weight--plus some. I lost so much weight that my bariatric surgeon had to go back in and reverse a portion of my original weight loss surgery. I am now thinner than I was in middle school, and even though 'thin is in' and 'nothing tastes as good as skinny feels,' I spend a lot of days trapped in my mind and loathing my body.
Part of this loathing comes from the fact that losing the weight didn't actually cause my body to miraculously heal itself from that which ailed me, but the other part of it is that in my brain curves and thickness are beautiful. And I am neither curvy, nor thick. You can do the math from there. Additionally, skinny kinda hurts in that there is no padding between my bones and whatever surface I'm sitting on. I also struggle with maintaining my body temps, so swimming has happened exactly once this summer. When I've posted that I am swimming, what I've really meant is that I've sat on the edge of the pool begging people not to splash me. And don't even get me started on how many calories I have to consume just to maintain skinny. I've long struggled with 'forgetting to eat,' but now when I do it I get called things like 'anorexic' whereas before people said 'well you can afford to skip a few meals.' (Yes, people really said that.) I cannot afford to forget to eat any longer and its kindof annoying. 
With that said, to aid in this mental shift that I am attempting, there has been much therapy, but I also did a photo shoot for a friend who was building her portfolio. And y'all she made me look damn sexy. (Am I allowed to say that about myself?) Some of the pictures show the flaws that I am insecure about (like my saggy butt), but even those are still beautiful. Jessica did a fabulous job of showing me what other people see. (If you want her contact information let me know.) And for some reason, that has helped me see myself in a different light. I still long for my curves, and my padding, but I am starting to feel a little more confident in the skin I'm in. I am learning, or relearning, to love my body. But it will take time, just like learning to love my curves took time.
I wrote this poem a little while ago--I'm not actually a poet--I just threw some words on the paper and I'm calling it poetry. It needs some finessing, but it shows what my brain process has been like these last few months as I've watched the body that I knew and loved slip away only to be replaced by bony edges.
Curves Not Edges
Real women have curves…
Curves are sexier than skeletons…
Thick thighs save lives…
Bones are for the dog; meat is for the man…
Thick girls are made for cuddling…
Curves are beautiful…
When life throws you curves, embrace them…
The thicker the thighs the sweeter the prize…
Curves not edges.
Eat a sandwich…
Do you ever eat anything…
You’d look so much better if you put meat on your
bones…
I can see your bones…
Men like girls with a little meat on them…
I wish I had your problem…
Men love having something to hang onto…
Edges not curves.
Nothing tastes as good as curvy feels.
Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.
Which is it? Can it be both?
Curves and edges.
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