Mental Illness

I'm reluctant to write this blog, because of the stigma we place on mental health issues, but as with all of my life experiences, I feel like silence doesn't help anyone. 

As many of you know, I was diagnosed with PTSD, panic disorder and depression along with fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis & sleep apnea, a little over a year ago. I have spent the last year in counseling and under the care of numerous doctors. I am in a better place and can finally breathe again. 

With that said, the last year was hell and let's be honest, I checked out. I checked out of my marriage, school, friendships, but most importantly, I checked out of parenting. I simply couldn't cope with the everyday requirements of parenting two teenage daughters. Jasen took over what he could, but the rest got pushed aside. 

I am not passing judgement of myself, it simply is what it is. I did what I had to to survive and my kids got lost in the shuffle. I'm not the first or the last mom who's done this and quite frankly, if blame is to be placed, it would be on the people in my life who abused me emotionally, physically and sexually. A person can only take so much... 

Back to the issue at hand... 

The girls are both at difficult times in their lives. Meg is getting ready to graduate and go off to college. Kali is entering high school with all the social and educational stressors that involves. 

Because Meg is older and has a good network of support, she handled my checking out better than Kali. Meg was able to express her needs and learned when to ask for what she wanted. She also got a part-time job and a driver's license and quite frankly, hasn't needed me as much as her sister. 

Kali, on the other hand, needed me. She had her appendix out in May, along with several ovarian cysts and has had to have medication to help with hormone stuff. She's also had to navigate the social hell that was 8th grade and is now high school, without my words of wisdom. When she would start to talk about drama at school or girls that were bullies, I would check out, and we are now paying the consequences of my own 'checking out.'

Kali is creative, brilliant and beautiful, but she's also always had a tad of a dramatic side. This dramatic flare comes in handy for cheer, but is not especially useful in a house full of anxious people and a mother who is only here physically. After missing cheer tryouts, because of her appendix, we started to notice that she was floundering. 

Poor sleep habits, horrible diet choices, Netflix binging, mood swings, depression, self-chosen isolation and anxiety on top of her well documented ADHD made summer difficult and the start of school hell, this year. She's been struggling emotionally and educationally and once I woke up from my own depressive fog, I realized that she needed help. 

I took her in for a psych eval and another symptom was added to the list of symptoms that I had already noticed--suicidal thoughts, with a plan. The therapist, Jasen and I decided that an in house treatment plan would be best and she will stay, until they've figured out all the ins and outs of her specific mental health needs. 

Now here's the thing: When she sat in the hospital for 4 days, in excruciating pain, I posted frequently about her pains and her needs. She got cards and visits from her friends and it helped. But all of 10 people know where she is right now. Why is that? Why was it easier for me to post and ask for healing thought and prayers, when something wasn't quite right in her abdominal cavity, but I don't feel that I can do the same when the subject is mental health? Something about this isn't right. 

Kali will be fine and we will get her the care that she needs, but unless we break through the stigmas associated with mental health, she won't get the social support from loving family and friends that she also needs. If we don't aid our children in articulating their mental health needs, we create the perfect storm that has brought us to where Jasen, Meg, Kali and I are today.