Grief

One of my closest friend’s mom died today. She was diagnosed with lung cancer only a few months ago. She had been a smoker, but had stopped over 20 years ago. She died, not from the cancer, but because of the chemo and the weakening immune system that comes along with trying to kill the cancer within her body. She lost her battle. She fought hard; she still lost the battle. She leaves behind my friend (her only child), she leaves behind her husband and she leaves behind hundreds of people whom she touched with her kindness and generosity. Even I am grieving her loss and I barely knew her. I know that my friend is strong enough to deal with the death of her mother. She has people around her that love her and will hold her up. I want to be there, but I can’t. I have responsibilities to attend to here in Denton. But it doesn't lessen the heartache I feel for my friend or my desire to throw some clothes on and drive to Abilene for the week.

As I sit here sobbing, I think of my husband, who smoked for 20 years and still uses a vaporizer to get his nicotine fix. I think of his grandmother who died from emphysema and probably COPD, although he says it was working in the tanning factory and not the smoking that caused it. Will I be standing beside a hospital bed 20 years from now watching him take his last breath?

I also sit here sobbing, because I miss my mom. Would I even know if she were in a hospital bed crying? Would anyone think to inform me? When she chose my ex-husband over me, I wonder if she considered these things… or was she just stuck on being right and nothing else mattered. I wonder if she thinks of me now. I think of her often, especially since the pending fibromyalgia diagnosis and the difficulties that has caused and there are days that I simply want my mom. I don’t know how to fix any of this, though. 

Sigh.